Hope & hooky

I played hooky on one of the recurrent miscarriage tests this week. 

I ran a cost/benefit ratio in my head, admittedly which was filling very full and overwhelmed at the time. I could not quite figure the value of this particular test which I would need to do twice, both times under the influence of pain killers. I was not sure what this would tell the dr that the numerous blood tests before and during my last two pregnancies. They had checked progesterone and my other hormone levels before and they were perfectly normal.

This was no blood test — no, this was inserting a catheter, and sucking out a piece of my uterus to examine the lining. The doctor warned me it would be painful. After my extremely experience with the HSG (where the dye is inserted to see if the tubes are open) which was described in the same understated way, I figured it was a whole of hurt. At the initial “suck” and with cramping later in the day. 

I am definitely torn. On Wednesday night when I made the decision to not go in on Thursday, I felt like I could not take anymore. I was facing a new large project at work along with the old large projects and was just sad, down and low. I didn’t want the pain, I didn’t want to quite possibly be impacted all day at a busy time at work. Didn’t want. Didn’t want. At the time it made a lot of sense.

She wanted to do the test twice at different times of my cycle. Now, it may be too late for one.

BUT…and here is the but I go through when I am in a more hopeful place. All the tests may not tell us anything…because maybe there is nothing to tell. The two miscarriages were bad luck and badder luck and the next time will work out just fine.