From bitter to better…how did that happen?

Just to add some variety to my ole life, last week’s depression has see-sawed to feeling just about all right. Where exactly was this switch that I inadvertently flipped from sad to good and how can I ensure I find it the right time I feel like I am shuffling along in the dark? 

I would like to attribute this to hormones. But honestly, given my irregular cycles, I can not track what my body is doing from one week to the next. After I went off the pill two years and we started to TTC I used to think my breasts were telling me something. They were sore…maybe I am pregnant (yay!) or my period was about to start. But this suretell hormonal sign seemed to pop up all over the place with no real pattern. Except both times when I was pregnant. Then they were emphatically sore and for good reason. 

So cross off hormones. Last week I felt I was putting on the mask and acting a role. The professional work face to match my suit. See me trying to entertain friends and act normal at dinner. The (sometimes) happy homemaker hanging out with my husband. Now, I have a sense of humour again. No tears, no moping, no facade.

Some of this emotional flip came from a conversation I had with a coworker, who recently decided to pursue being a mother. She just turned 39 and just had a very early miscarriage. She was only in the know about being pregnant for one day after taking the test when her period was a few days late. Even in that day, she and her husband (who was not convinced until that moment about the whole-having-the-baby thing) were excited, hopeful and emotionally attached. It won’t be easy for her to get pregnant and to stay that way. Doctors have told her this in the past. Despite this fleeting feeling of becoming a parent, her medical challenges and her age, she is hopeful that it is gonna happen. She is going to have a baby. How can I not feel better and be inspired by an attitude like that?

Paint it white

Maybe it is the fumes from painting the kitchen cabinets a nice bright white today or the sun finally peeking out after almost two days of rain, but I feel hopeful today. 

I have been thinking about August 28. That is when we go to back to the doctor’s for the results of some recurrent miscarriage tests. I also want to get a prescription for Provera to induce my period. It will be at that point more than a month since the first and only period after miscarriage 2. And given it could take months for nature to take its course that means I need the period kickstart so that we can start (deep breath) to try again. 

On August 28 we will not have the karotyping back yet. We will have the blood test results for autoimmune issues and blood clotting issues, thyroid and maybe a few other things. And I know the tubes and uterus look ok, no wonky shapes or blockages, thanks to the infertility testing. So this should cover most of the most common causes of recurrent miscarriages with just a few laggards left.  I don’t feel like waiting any longer after to try again. Otherwise I will just be spin, spinning my wheels while the eggs are not getting any younger!

It’s funny (and a sign that I am feeling better if I think this is funny) but if I do have an issue that is triggering the miscarriages, a blood clotting disorder feels like one of the best options out of a sucky situation. I mean, aspirin and even daily injections while I am pregnant are well worth having a baby at the end of it. And it is a tangible diagnosis with a treatment that does improve our odds. And it seems to fit our two miscarriage scenarios…established heartbeat followed later by slow embryo growth rate and a heart that just stops beating. 

I have read (and the dr told us) that half of the time they never find a cause. And in my especially hopeful moments I think that maybe there is no cause to find. 

So we had better continue to paint the ugly old melamine cabinet doors white. And tackle painting the deck with, no doubt, even more toxic. obnoxious fumes. Because maybe in a month or two we will back to being pregnant I will have to put that paint brush down.